When I was first handed my son, I was surprised by how dark his eyes were. By what a distinct nose he had. He wasn’t as loud as I thought he would be. I don’t necessarily remember my feelings — just that when he finally came out, I thought “Oh! There he is!”
His birth in March 2014 brought with it so much to do, and so much I didn’t know how to do. I didn’t know what was normal and what wasn’t. I didn’t know how much space to give my wife physically and emotionally. I felt like the best thing I could do was to just be the worker — to make sure there was hot food and a clean house. That’s what I threw myself into.
Before he was born, I used to worry whether he’d be too small or too short because those were things I did not like about myself. Now that he’s here, I don’t care how short or tall or big or small he is. Our society has such a limited conception of physical beauty. One day it might tell him that he’s not beautiful. But he is.
It’s very easy to love him. Sometimes he’ll slap food away and cause a mess. But I love that he does that because he’s emphatically saying “No, I don’t want this.” I love that we can’t force him to do anything, no matter how hard we try. Because he’s being himself. As I watch him, my heart breaks to think one day the world will tell him the way he is is not perfect. That he needs to change and not be himself. I worry he won’t listen when I tell him that he’s perfect just the way he is.
He never sits still. He always has to be doing something fun. I love following him around the house as he moves from toy to toy. I love when he’s in a good mood and he pushes boundaries. I love watching him figure out puzzles and games and make connections. He is stubborn and tenacious like his mom (and maybe me).
He knows he shouldn’t put rocks and dirt in his mouth. He rarely does it unless I’m watching. When I am, a sly smile crosses his face as he brings a stick or rock to his mouth and waits for me to take it away.
I got a lot of love and support when our son was born. But I also received some bad advice about what kind of father to be. Some worried I spent too much time cooking and cleaning, that these were not fatherly things to do and would not be a good example to set for my son. I was urged to focus on my career instead.
The thing is, I want my son to see me cooking and cleaning. I want him to know there is no shame in any hard work. That to be a man is to work hard in every facet of your life.
For me, fatherhood is about love and respect. I try to think of my son not as a child, but as a growing individual who will make his own decisions one day — decisions that I may disagree with but will nevertheless respect. I try to remind myself of this when he rebelliously spills food all over the carpet or when he screams when I pry my cell phone out of his hands.
Like all dads, I want my son to be a better man than I am. But children don’t do what you say, they do what you do. So fatherhood means I can’t just teach him to be a better man, I actually have to be one myself. I’m intimidated by that. But for my son, I’ll gladly do the work it takes.
Ali Faruk works in policy and communications at the Virginia Department for Aging and Rehabilitative Services by day and as a father 24/7, because that’s not a role you can ever turn off. He enjoys chasing his son away from trash cans and potted plants.
I am not a father or have planned to be anytime soon, but sometimes I wonder what kind of father I would be now if I became one. Then I wonder if I would be ready and what “being ready” even means. First thing that comes to mind is that before becoming a dad I need to read a lot of parent books because that is what I have heard that people do. Then I think well I need to have a lot of money because having a kid is supposed to be really expensive. But everytime I think about all these things surrounding potentially being a father one day, I always also think about how reading some books or having money isn’t actually what makes you a good father, and then I think about how I think I turned out and realize my parents didn’t read a bunch of books or have a lot of money – I actually turned out a lot like them. That made me conclude that trying to be a good example would be the best route for me when I finally do become a father, and I continue forward with all the things that preoccupy me in life now, I also try to keep that bigger picture in mind of what kind of example I would want to be to my son or daughter one day should I be blessed with one – and this thinking really has an impact on the decisions I make now. I feel like I am training/disciplining myself to be the person I would want my kids to follow, look up to, emulate in the decisions they make.
So yea this is something I think about more and more often as I get older, but your post/experience is the first thing I have read that has put it more into perspective for me and it motivates me to keep on keeping on with trying to be a better person knowing that someday the effort will also make me a good future parent. Thanks Ali!
Ali, this post is awesome. As you know I’ve been a father for about 3 weeks now. Thanks for sharing this with me. I’ve already learned from it.
Ali, your wonderful piece brought me to tears. I’ve sensed since I met you as you awaited your son’s arrival that you would be a top-notch father. Now seeing it in action and reading your take on it just cements that for me.
You put the experience of new fatherhood into words so well, and so beautifully. It was such a high honor to stand beside you as you met your son for the first time the moment he was born, and it is just truly a distinct pleasure to know and love you and your family and have you in my world. Thank you for the thoughts put down onto paper, so to speak.